Song to say Goodbye

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space..

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those ,
Blessed with lucky sevens ,
And the voice that made me cry .
My Oh My.

You were mother nature's son ,
Someone to whom I could relate ,
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sordid twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up ,
To pull you from the liquid sky ,
Coz if I don't we'll both end up ,
With just your song to say goodbye.
My Oh My.

A song to say goodbye,
A song to say goodbye ,
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

-Placebo-

Changes

Remember how your love life was like at the beginning? The very first couple of girls you dated or hit on. How crazy you were for her. How romantic all your ideas were. You’d be giving her treats and buying her flowers occasionally. You’d be doing romantic stuff for her which you never imagined you would ever attempt. You’d be totally in love with the girl and be absolutely sure that its really love. Something special about that certain girl which makes her stand out. Then you’d finally win her over. You begin to experience life as you’ve never felt before. Longing to always be with her. Longing to see her or even hear her voice. It would be like everything else in your life was aligning as well.

Then comes the breakup. Something you never expected would happen. I mean this was the perfect girl. So how could it end? This was supposed to be that special girl who stood out. And everything was going rather smoothly. No matter how hard you try and how hard you fight it, the relationship comes to an end. You fall into despair. Feeling sick of life. As if your whole life had just come crashing down. But in time after a lot of struggling you manage to get over her and move on.

You start meeting new people. And you meet someone special again. But this time you lower your expectations. You lower the effort you put into pursuing her affection. Those romantic stuff you did last time……that feeling has gone down a lot. Especially that feeling you had of really wanting to do those romantic stuff. So has the hopes and effort you put into that relationship. The extent of your patience, sacrifice and compromise is diminishing as well. Before you know it you’ve broken up with her too. Except this time you don’t really care. And the cycle goes on. But each time it becomes less real. The image of the girl’s you date are slowly changing to the extent where you refer to her as your current ‘girl’. She’s pretty much lost her identity. She is now jes another girl whom you have around to fulfill your loneliness and desires. Sometimes you do romantic stuff for her. But this time you do it not because you really want to, but this time you’re doing it because you want to extend the expiry date of the relationship. And also because you know that she would make it up to you afterwards which is actually the real reason why you were being romantic now.

So why do most guys do that? Is it because they got hurt when they really meant it and now they refuse to get emotional again? Or have they really lost it? Or maybe cos now they don’t have to put in much effort to get what they want out of the girl? That would surely explain why 90% of married men loose their romantic side. Or even maybe that girls aren’t so important anymore as he’s jes discovered that there’s a whole ocean full of them to a ratio of three girls for every guy? Or was it four? Don’t remember.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Now imagine that same guy falls in love again. It had been so long since he last felt that way. All those emotions that he had pushed down are rising up again. That side of him that he had locked away has come back. Why? Maybe he feels that this girl is more than worth it all. Maybe he feels that the girl is worth taking that risk. Maybe he wants to give this certain girl his all for a change. If it works out well….Hallelujah? what if it doesn’t? Can you then really blame the guy if he goes around shagging women after that? If he refuses to let himself be emotional or to really fall in love ever again? Jes how many wives are 100% sure that their husband truly loves them? Do they really think that jes because the guy chose her to get married to and start a life with that he truly loves her? What if he has taken the next step(getting married) in life after skipping the “madly falling in love with the girl” step? Is he thinking “she’s good in bed. I guess she’ll do”. Or maybe “She’s the faithful type. She’ll do fine”. OR “she’s dumb and will believe everything I say to her. She’s perfect!”.

Jes as there are a lot of men who doesn’t know much about women, there are also a lot women who don’t know about men. Especially the ones they are with. So now the question which arises is “How do you know that the guy really means what he’s saying or doing? How do you know if he’s jes saying what you want to hear? Maybe it depends on jes how much effort he puts into what he does or says? All I have to say about that is “you’ll probably know it when you see it. You’ll KNOW for sure that he wouldn’t have gone this far or put himself in such a vulnerable and embarrassing situation if he really didn’t mean it. That pride thing is a huge deal for guys”.

On a different note, here’s a question. “When would a girl know for sure if the guy really loves her for who she is or not?” My opinion or answer to that is when she looses her looks. Maybe when she gets a kid or looses her sex appeal. *shrug*. So when does a guy know for sure if the girl truly loves him for who he is? When he looses his money? Who knows. What do you think?

The Leap

This is something i wrote a week or so back.

I dunno about you but something that ive noticed. When you’re at your most vulnerable state or when you’re feeling emotional or really hurt whom do you turn to? Ofcourse i dont mean family and best friends. Have you ever found yourself showing your most vulnerable side, that side which you're too ashamed or shy to show to ppl to a certain someone who is a potential partner? Its as if there's this part of you inside who feels safe and who trusts this certain someone more than you're willing to acknowledge. And the funny thing is that this person might be someone whom you’ve vowed never to talk to or get close to on several occasions. But you still end up going back when you’re hurt the most. Be it physically or emotionally. Not to mention the connection that you make on that occasion. As if you’ve found a treasure which you’ve lost years back. A feeling of comfort that you rarely feel. You soon realize you’ve totally given into that person. You’ve unclenched yourself. All those feelings, secrets, worries and the burden you’ve been carrying by yourself are slowly eased onto that person as if you’re giving a sigh of relief. Jes talking about it all seems to give that big a relief. As if a huge load has been lifted off your chest. What’s amazing is that all it took was one conversation with this person. And you find yourself at a state that you could be in with someone only maybe after being years together with a person. Such a high level of trust is developed within minutes.

The funny thing is when you finally end that conversation and wake up the next morning, and when you’re back to yourself and in control, you feel as if its no longer there. As if you’re trying so hard not to acknowledge what had happened the previous day. You find yourself in denial justifying it to yourself saying that you were simply emotional. So why is it almost always the same person you turn to when you’re in that state? Its not like you don’t have close friends or family either. But it doesn’t feel half the same with them. That’s when you wonder what would happen if you lost that person. Or if that person walks out of your life. And before you know it, you’ve pushed that thought aside as you don’t want to think about it. You jes tell yourself that if all goes down the drain there will always be others. But will there? Will you be able to find such a person again? Someone with whom you can feel that secure and at ease with? You look back into the past and realize that all your life you’ve never met someone like this before. Someone with whom you were able to take it to that level as if subconsciously. As if your inner self is longing for this and giving outbursts every now and then wishing you would listen to yourself for once instead of the people around you. Taking all the pros and cons to atleast consider it. When you’re all alone and when you really think about it all in a neutral point of view, you always arrive at the same answer. To go for it and give it a shot. But why is it so hard to accept it and actually take that step? Maybe its your insecurities. And you want to resolve those insecurities before you go for it. But then again is waiting really the way to go with it? When you think of waiting so many ‘what if’s start to arise the worst of which is that you might loose this person to someone else jes like that overnight. Whereas going for it is perfect in so many different ways and perspectives. But I guess it all comes down to actually having the faith to make that leap.

Compromise

Compromise. Something which I believe defines the outcome or the longevity of a marriage or relationship. We all have faults and flaws. We’ve all gone through different circumstances as we grew up and faced different problems which contributed to defining how we turned out to be. So its no surprise that each one of us are different in our own way. There’s no two ppl whose gone through everything exactly the same and who has exactly the same likes and dislikes. Something I like to say a lot which I think kind of applies here as well : “Your favourite colour might be red while mine might be blue. That doesn’t mean since I like blue better than red, that you should feel the same way as I do. So I shouldn’t have a problem with you favouring red over blue the same as you shouldn’t have a problem with me favouring blue over red”.

When we meet someone we always try to portray the good side of ourselves to them. Especially to the opposite sex as you want them to be impressed. We rarely show our mess ups and most of the time we try to show to them what they want to see in us. But sooner or later the binds are open. Especially once you start a relationship or go further. That’s when you’re faced with a choice. Just how much of his/her behaviour which might not be totally to your liking are you willing to compromise for the better good or for the long run? In my opinion most of our expectations are too high. We want everything. The perfect guy/girl. There’s no such thing. It all comes down to compromising. Whether if you believe he/she is worth compromising those stuff that’s not to your liking and how much of it you are willing to compromise. This is again the point where we are divided into certain groups depending on our level of compromise. Or our tolerance in others. Maybe jes how stuck up we really are. Or jes how much hope and faith you can muster into something. Or how little something really means to you. Some may even call it the moment of truth. All these days in your attempts to impress others you’ve been trying to show more good/tolerance/patience etc than whom you really are. But when you’re faced with this so called ‘moment of truth’, that’s when the real you comes out into the open.

I believe a certain degree of compromise MUST be there from both partners in order for something special to work out. A story a wise man once told me. “lets say my wife likes to keep my wallet open whenever I keep it at home. But I want it to be closed all the time. And since I tell her that all the time she puts some effort into it and left it half closed one day. Its still not how I wanted it to be as I want to see it fully closed. I know that she wants it open but nevertheless she has made an effort and closed it halfway. So instead of complaining like I usually do I say to myself that this’ll be enough for me. That she doesn’t need to close it fully.” And that my friends is how a relationship or a marriage will work out. When both the guy and the girl puts an effort into the relationship and when there’s compromise involved from both sides. Or else you’re jes being arrogant and selfish.

And to those people who feel like their opinions, likes and dislikes mean everything over everyone else’s, you need to take a close look at yourselves. You’ve got so many flaws too. Physical, mental, status, wealth etc etc. We all do. There’s nothing special about you over everyone else. Be glad that you’ve met someone or people who are willing to compromise all your flaws, people who chose to disregard all your short comings. Those are the people that really matter. So hold them close before you realize too late that you’re all alone with just a handful of people who are struggling to put up the face that they really care for you and understand you. You never know when they would reach their limits as well and abandon you. But the problem we face is that we hold on to the saying “I am who I am. If you dont accept me for who I am then you don’t matter to me”. We take that saying in the wrong way. People whose heads are way up in the sky and feel that the world must revolve around them. So learn to compromise. Its not that hard. :p

Being Noble

Being noble and honest with your loved ones. Do you think that’s right? Seems rational and unarguable doesn’t it? But then again lets think about it a bit more. We are humans. We all make mistakes. That’s in our nature….or so we keep telling ourselves to make ourselves feel better about our mess ups or decisions. So what if you’ve made a mistake which you know will obviously disappoint or piss off your partner? Something like lets say cheating. Do you go and tell the truth with your fingers crossed hoping for forgiveness? Or do you keep it hidden telling yourself that by doing so you are protecting yourself but especially your partner? Relationships and marriages are full of lies, either if they are big ones or small ones. That’s a fact of life.

Let us first see one side of the argument : where you tell the truth. What do you hope to accomplish by doing so? That you’re being honest with your partner which he/she should acknowledge and give you gratitude and forgiveness for choosing not to hide it? How very noble. Im sure you’d agree that we see that happening all the time to ppl around us. And most of the time if it’s a guy confessing, the girl accepts the apology and forgives him for his honesty. In my opinion that’s jes plain stupidity. But their life, their choice, their decision, their loss or gain. Too bad its mostly a different scenario the other way around. OR when you find the truth do you feel so betrayed on your trust that you decide “he who did it once will probably do it again” and declare that you don’t want any more part in it?

Now lets look at the other approach where you don’t confess. Lets face it. In atleast 80% of the marriages at one point or the other either the husband or the wife cheats on the other. Even if its jes once or a few times. And from that group of couples, probably 80% of them dont even realize that they had been cheated on. The truth is almost never revealed until its found out in some way, in which case the cheater decides to spill all the beans and proclaim that he/she chose to be honest. So what’s their rationale in this issue? Lets look at it this way. You go and tell your partner that for example you’ve been with another girl a long time back or whatever. That it was only a one time thing blah blah blah. Generalizing it, one of two things will happen in that scenario. Either she will forgive you acknowledging you’ve been honest and things will remain SOMEWHAT the same(ofcourse it wont be the same no matter how hard she tries to make it appear so). Or a huge problem would arise with an end result of her leaving you. So the Question now is….is it worth it? It certainly wont get any better by you being honest. So why take that risk when you’ve got nothing to gain but everything to loose?

Speaking for the other side lets say confessing is certainly better than her finding out later on before you tell her. But then again, EVEN if she finds out you’ll once again be faced with the previous scenario now wont you? You’ll seek forgiveness and assure her it wont happen again and await judgement. So why make that scenario a certainty? Why not jes wait it out and hopefully no one needs to know about it. And don’t worry, you’ll get over that feeling of guilt you might have. So this way, you remain happy that you’re still with your partner without all those complications that come with the confession and she remains happy thinking you never cheated on her. A win win situation. Ofcourse im not implying that you should be a liar or any of that. Jes that sometimes its better to keep your mouth shut without having the need to be all noble and honest. If you wanna be all noble and honest, then don’t cheat on her or do anything else of the sort in the first place. What she doesn’t know wont hurt her. But then again I guess it all depends on the circumstances of that certain situation (so now this way everyone who reads this will get to tell themselves that if something like this has happened to them, they weren’t wrong in their judgements as their ‘situation’ and ‘circumstances’ were very different. Whistle Whistle). Which now brings us to the topic of ‘compromise’ which id better write in a different post.

I kid you not!

It happened last night around 4am or so. we played some songs nearing sunset and had left the speaker set unplugged from the laptop. It had been like that since then. Decided to turn in at 4 and was shutting down all the electric equipment when i heard it. someone reciting quran. And it was coming from the speaker set. i mean there was still power in it but it was unplugged from the computer. i checked a few times jes to make sure the sound was coming from the speakers. even turned off the power. as soon as i turned it off the reciting ceased. and when i turned it back on it started again. WEEIIRD!! im jes wondering how it couldve happened. Any ideas? oh yea, i dont have quran recitations files on my laptop. And this is jes a normal speaker set with a sub-woofer. Brand is fantasia.

and yea, i checked jes now to see if its still there. and weirdly enough now some hindi song is coming from it at a very low volume, can be heard when u actually put the speaker closer to ur ears. Even if i turn the volume from the speaker completely down, its still there. :s

Oral Exams???

Sorry for the very late update. So i figured id write down the reason for it and turn it into a post.hehe. Im sure you mustve all heard of Oral exams. well, ive got one thats been biting me on my arse recently. And thats my excuse right there.

In the field im in we have to undergoe three individual courses each of which is followed by a final oral exam followed by work experience of 12months before we can do the next one. The funny part is all those High Distinctions and Distinctions you get from the 18 or so short courses you have to do in each of the study period doesnt mean squat. As long as you get a pass in everyone, youve got yourself an oral exam. Now this exam is the one on which EVERYTHING depends on. For me....my whole life depends on it.

Here's the exam. A qualified examiner from the main Maritime organisation here in Australia would be doing the exam. I have to go there all dressed up for this 'one on one' session. He starts asking me Questions one after the other.....for TWO FRICKIN HOURS. He can ask upto 2-3Qs per minute meaning over 300 Qs. He gets to ask ANY question he wants as long as its in this field....even if its something we havent been taught as long as he feels like i should know the answer. He can show me an instrument asking me to name the parts, ask me to draw a diagram of a certain object/instrument labelling the part that you may find anywhere on a ship, or even ask me to do a mathematical question which might take 5-10mins to do asking me to do it WITHOUT a calculator.

EVERYTHING depends on who the examiner is and his mood at that time. Some examiners have even gone for 2hr 45mins. And here's the interesting bit. There is no score...there are no marks allocated...you dont have to get a certain percentage of the Questions correct. From those 300 Qs all you have to mess up is ONE SINGLE QUESTION for him to say that its a fail. But ofcourse, depending on his mood he might allow 3-4 mess ups and might settle for 1hr 45mins. Maybe i should go to the exam with a 6-pack or maybe a fruit basket. And also complimenting him every now and then throughout the 2hrs making him feel like he's the king or something. *shrug*

Now for the consequences if you fail. You can do a resit after 2 weeks provided you can make the appointment along with $370 for the next exam. Oh yes. You can do only two re-sits. If you fail the next one, the final re-sit can be done after a month from that fail date and if you fail the last re-sit, you can do the exam again after you've had SIX MONTHS WORK EXPERIENCE ON A SHIP(not to mention all the expenses to renew your visa and all the paperwork and payments along the way). And if you have to wait even for a month and two weeks the living costs go upto approximately $1500-$2000.

So in my opinion the whole thing doesnt make much sense. I mean i can totally understand if even lets say there were like a 1000 Qs from which each examiner gets to pick any 200-300 Qs. Instead of them getting to ask ANY Question they want. This classmate of mine was failed after 2hrs of Qs when he was asked to do this mathematical sum without a calculator. And this was a calculation to find the approximate position of his ship in an emergency. Nowadays we've got all this technology and all these different instruments which help us do it. Anyways, his working was correct but he made a small mistake with the calculation part of a particular step. He was failed right there saying that "there MIGHT arise a scenario where all the instruments and all those other aids available to you fails. And you might not even have a calculator with you." Helloooooo. if by some weird coincidence or freak of nature it happens, wont the person atleast do the sum two or three times to make sure his working was correct or atleast have someone else do it as well? And he was FAILED after 2hrs for that? For the love of god. tsk tsk tsk. No wonder people seem like they are gonna fly away when you meet them after theyve passed.
P.S- I never seem to be able to write anything short now am i?