The Leap

This is something i wrote a week or so back.

I dunno about you but something that ive noticed. When you’re at your most vulnerable state or when you’re feeling emotional or really hurt whom do you turn to? Ofcourse i dont mean family and best friends. Have you ever found yourself showing your most vulnerable side, that side which you're too ashamed or shy to show to ppl to a certain someone who is a potential partner? Its as if there's this part of you inside who feels safe and who trusts this certain someone more than you're willing to acknowledge. And the funny thing is that this person might be someone whom you’ve vowed never to talk to or get close to on several occasions. But you still end up going back when you’re hurt the most. Be it physically or emotionally. Not to mention the connection that you make on that occasion. As if you’ve found a treasure which you’ve lost years back. A feeling of comfort that you rarely feel. You soon realize you’ve totally given into that person. You’ve unclenched yourself. All those feelings, secrets, worries and the burden you’ve been carrying by yourself are slowly eased onto that person as if you’re giving a sigh of relief. Jes talking about it all seems to give that big a relief. As if a huge load has been lifted off your chest. What’s amazing is that all it took was one conversation with this person. And you find yourself at a state that you could be in with someone only maybe after being years together with a person. Such a high level of trust is developed within minutes.

The funny thing is when you finally end that conversation and wake up the next morning, and when you’re back to yourself and in control, you feel as if its no longer there. As if you’re trying so hard not to acknowledge what had happened the previous day. You find yourself in denial justifying it to yourself saying that you were simply emotional. So why is it almost always the same person you turn to when you’re in that state? Its not like you don’t have close friends or family either. But it doesn’t feel half the same with them. That’s when you wonder what would happen if you lost that person. Or if that person walks out of your life. And before you know it, you’ve pushed that thought aside as you don’t want to think about it. You jes tell yourself that if all goes down the drain there will always be others. But will there? Will you be able to find such a person again? Someone with whom you can feel that secure and at ease with? You look back into the past and realize that all your life you’ve never met someone like this before. Someone with whom you were able to take it to that level as if subconsciously. As if your inner self is longing for this and giving outbursts every now and then wishing you would listen to yourself for once instead of the people around you. Taking all the pros and cons to atleast consider it. When you’re all alone and when you really think about it all in a neutral point of view, you always arrive at the same answer. To go for it and give it a shot. But why is it so hard to accept it and actually take that step? Maybe its your insecurities. And you want to resolve those insecurities before you go for it. But then again is waiting really the way to go with it? When you think of waiting so many ‘what if’s start to arise the worst of which is that you might loose this person to someone else jes like that overnight. Whereas going for it is perfect in so many different ways and perspectives. But I guess it all comes down to actually having the faith to make that leap.

Compromise

Compromise. Something which I believe defines the outcome or the longevity of a marriage or relationship. We all have faults and flaws. We’ve all gone through different circumstances as we grew up and faced different problems which contributed to defining how we turned out to be. So its no surprise that each one of us are different in our own way. There’s no two ppl whose gone through everything exactly the same and who has exactly the same likes and dislikes. Something I like to say a lot which I think kind of applies here as well : “Your favourite colour might be red while mine might be blue. That doesn’t mean since I like blue better than red, that you should feel the same way as I do. So I shouldn’t have a problem with you favouring red over blue the same as you shouldn’t have a problem with me favouring blue over red”.

When we meet someone we always try to portray the good side of ourselves to them. Especially to the opposite sex as you want them to be impressed. We rarely show our mess ups and most of the time we try to show to them what they want to see in us. But sooner or later the binds are open. Especially once you start a relationship or go further. That’s when you’re faced with a choice. Just how much of his/her behaviour which might not be totally to your liking are you willing to compromise for the better good or for the long run? In my opinion most of our expectations are too high. We want everything. The perfect guy/girl. There’s no such thing. It all comes down to compromising. Whether if you believe he/she is worth compromising those stuff that’s not to your liking and how much of it you are willing to compromise. This is again the point where we are divided into certain groups depending on our level of compromise. Or our tolerance in others. Maybe jes how stuck up we really are. Or jes how much hope and faith you can muster into something. Or how little something really means to you. Some may even call it the moment of truth. All these days in your attempts to impress others you’ve been trying to show more good/tolerance/patience etc than whom you really are. But when you’re faced with this so called ‘moment of truth’, that’s when the real you comes out into the open.

I believe a certain degree of compromise MUST be there from both partners in order for something special to work out. A story a wise man once told me. “lets say my wife likes to keep my wallet open whenever I keep it at home. But I want it to be closed all the time. And since I tell her that all the time she puts some effort into it and left it half closed one day. Its still not how I wanted it to be as I want to see it fully closed. I know that she wants it open but nevertheless she has made an effort and closed it halfway. So instead of complaining like I usually do I say to myself that this’ll be enough for me. That she doesn’t need to close it fully.” And that my friends is how a relationship or a marriage will work out. When both the guy and the girl puts an effort into the relationship and when there’s compromise involved from both sides. Or else you’re jes being arrogant and selfish.

And to those people who feel like their opinions, likes and dislikes mean everything over everyone else’s, you need to take a close look at yourselves. You’ve got so many flaws too. Physical, mental, status, wealth etc etc. We all do. There’s nothing special about you over everyone else. Be glad that you’ve met someone or people who are willing to compromise all your flaws, people who chose to disregard all your short comings. Those are the people that really matter. So hold them close before you realize too late that you’re all alone with just a handful of people who are struggling to put up the face that they really care for you and understand you. You never know when they would reach their limits as well and abandon you. But the problem we face is that we hold on to the saying “I am who I am. If you dont accept me for who I am then you don’t matter to me”. We take that saying in the wrong way. People whose heads are way up in the sky and feel that the world must revolve around them. So learn to compromise. Its not that hard. :p

Being Noble

Being noble and honest with your loved ones. Do you think that’s right? Seems rational and unarguable doesn’t it? But then again lets think about it a bit more. We are humans. We all make mistakes. That’s in our nature….or so we keep telling ourselves to make ourselves feel better about our mess ups or decisions. So what if you’ve made a mistake which you know will obviously disappoint or piss off your partner? Something like lets say cheating. Do you go and tell the truth with your fingers crossed hoping for forgiveness? Or do you keep it hidden telling yourself that by doing so you are protecting yourself but especially your partner? Relationships and marriages are full of lies, either if they are big ones or small ones. That’s a fact of life.

Let us first see one side of the argument : where you tell the truth. What do you hope to accomplish by doing so? That you’re being honest with your partner which he/she should acknowledge and give you gratitude and forgiveness for choosing not to hide it? How very noble. Im sure you’d agree that we see that happening all the time to ppl around us. And most of the time if it’s a guy confessing, the girl accepts the apology and forgives him for his honesty. In my opinion that’s jes plain stupidity. But their life, their choice, their decision, their loss or gain. Too bad its mostly a different scenario the other way around. OR when you find the truth do you feel so betrayed on your trust that you decide “he who did it once will probably do it again” and declare that you don’t want any more part in it?

Now lets look at the other approach where you don’t confess. Lets face it. In atleast 80% of the marriages at one point or the other either the husband or the wife cheats on the other. Even if its jes once or a few times. And from that group of couples, probably 80% of them dont even realize that they had been cheated on. The truth is almost never revealed until its found out in some way, in which case the cheater decides to spill all the beans and proclaim that he/she chose to be honest. So what’s their rationale in this issue? Lets look at it this way. You go and tell your partner that for example you’ve been with another girl a long time back or whatever. That it was only a one time thing blah blah blah. Generalizing it, one of two things will happen in that scenario. Either she will forgive you acknowledging you’ve been honest and things will remain SOMEWHAT the same(ofcourse it wont be the same no matter how hard she tries to make it appear so). Or a huge problem would arise with an end result of her leaving you. So the Question now is….is it worth it? It certainly wont get any better by you being honest. So why take that risk when you’ve got nothing to gain but everything to loose?

Speaking for the other side lets say confessing is certainly better than her finding out later on before you tell her. But then again, EVEN if she finds out you’ll once again be faced with the previous scenario now wont you? You’ll seek forgiveness and assure her it wont happen again and await judgement. So why make that scenario a certainty? Why not jes wait it out and hopefully no one needs to know about it. And don’t worry, you’ll get over that feeling of guilt you might have. So this way, you remain happy that you’re still with your partner without all those complications that come with the confession and she remains happy thinking you never cheated on her. A win win situation. Ofcourse im not implying that you should be a liar or any of that. Jes that sometimes its better to keep your mouth shut without having the need to be all noble and honest. If you wanna be all noble and honest, then don’t cheat on her or do anything else of the sort in the first place. What she doesn’t know wont hurt her. But then again I guess it all depends on the circumstances of that certain situation (so now this way everyone who reads this will get to tell themselves that if something like this has happened to them, they weren’t wrong in their judgements as their ‘situation’ and ‘circumstances’ were very different. Whistle Whistle). Which now brings us to the topic of ‘compromise’ which id better write in a different post.

I kid you not!

It happened last night around 4am or so. we played some songs nearing sunset and had left the speaker set unplugged from the laptop. It had been like that since then. Decided to turn in at 4 and was shutting down all the electric equipment when i heard it. someone reciting quran. And it was coming from the speaker set. i mean there was still power in it but it was unplugged from the computer. i checked a few times jes to make sure the sound was coming from the speakers. even turned off the power. as soon as i turned it off the reciting ceased. and when i turned it back on it started again. WEEIIRD!! im jes wondering how it couldve happened. Any ideas? oh yea, i dont have quran recitations files on my laptop. And this is jes a normal speaker set with a sub-woofer. Brand is fantasia.

and yea, i checked jes now to see if its still there. and weirdly enough now some hindi song is coming from it at a very low volume, can be heard when u actually put the speaker closer to ur ears. Even if i turn the volume from the speaker completely down, its still there. :s